"most of my routine is like... deadpan..."

last comic standing is actually a really funny show and i'm hoping that this year, they'll acutally have a good crop of comics unlike last year.

well that's a lie... they were a good crop but the guy who won, shouldn't have.

and also, my excitement was piqued with the promise of another season of jay mohr (yea...) but when i noticed anthony clarke bouncing around the lines i was tres disappointed. as much as i like him he's not... well... *host* material i don't think.

at least jay made some good movies :s... (please, save the comments until later)

but the comics? yea... some of them had me laughin til br thought i was evil...
like the uh... deadpan... cuban comic... he goes
"so i was in traffic the other day and there was this homeless guy on the street and i felt kinda bad about it so... i held my keys up for him to see to make me feel better..."

and i just died!

then there was the guy with cerebral palsy that makes fun of himself and when he was offered the card to go onto the next round br was like...you mean he's actually like that?
how cruel would it be to go on stage and pretend to be that way? not kewl at all.
but he had jokes too...

"my mom's the only one who can tell if i'm drunk... jason... are you walking straighter? and last night you came home and put the key straight into the lock.. and you're naked"
you had to be there...

yea... and the black guy talkin about how kids don't take him seriously because he's so small...

that's all i have to say today. i'm tired and ready to be gone. sigh.

words for today- use them wisely

transmundane trans-mun-dane (trnsmn-dn, trnz-, trns-mndn, trnz-)

adj. existing or extending beyond the physical world.

transmundane

adj: existing or extending beyond the physical world; "whatever of transmundane ...insight...we may carry" - william james

mundane mun-dane (mn-dn, mndn)

adj. 1) of, relating to, or typical of this world; secular.
2) relating to, characteristic of, or concerned with commonplaces; ordinary.

if you can use these words in a sentence... you're better than me.

my virtual model is a lying whore

this is not me:

it is some sort of evil marketing ploy to lie to people. she does not look 150 pounds. i, the real version, you know... 2.0? i look 150 pounds.

she does not have copious amounts of jello laden in areas that make it hard to squish into jeans... i! have copious amounts of jello making it hard to squish into jeans. and no i *refuse* to go out and buy *bigger* jeans because i have *plenty* of quality jeans that i love and i don't want to have any *fat jeans* hanging around me.

no fat jeans!

my virtual model is a damn liar. there was no button thingy to expand the hippies and the butt. i have a large butt... quite ample. and some big thighs. people are amazed by my butt. yes... it is a spectacle to behold. i cannot use it as a table though. or maybe i could.

and then i have lurve handles. i hate them. i could not put them on the model because there is not option for it. stoopid lying virtual model.

sigh. whine whine whine bitch complain yes i know it's constant. it's like that in my head, a continuous diaglogue with myself of arguments and crying and drinking of the vodka. it's the one thing that can bring me down so fast. last night was good and then all of a sudden charlie's angels came on and i had to have a heavy handed vodka and cranberry *mm, tart-y... sleep was deep* but then drinking only makes matters worse...

i am jealous of those girls, that's probably why i rag on them (except for like cameron diaz... come on... that face? *yikes*) but only because they've got good bodies and good careers. do those two go hand in hand? do i have to have a gorgeous, smokin hot bod to be makin the big bucks? or can i still be squat little unattractive me and rake it in? i want to rake it in!

i suffer from bad ideals and poor self image. i have faith in my ability but when you're fat and you don't take care of your looks, people are less likely to want to be around you, pay you, aquit you of murder... and so on and so forth. plus, i've always hated feeling like the *fat ugly one*. you know there's always one... two relatively skinny and pretty girls will always be flanked by at least one overweight and asthetically challenged female as the two skinny ones want to look better in comparison and the bigger one needs help on the asthetics front.

now...i may just be pulling that out of my ass but it's an observation i make over and over again. also, skinny girls can be less worried that fat ugly girls will draw the much desired attention away from them... who's worried their bf's gonna cheat on them with a fattie? "fat chicks need love too, but they gotta pay."

it's not that i don't know what to do because i know, believe *me* i know. i just... make excuses to myself? that's it... i lie to myself about it because i'm too... lazy? scared? lazy? to actually get off my table ass and do something. sure i eat really well during the day, 5-6 times with a good breakfast, sensible lunch and then a healthy dinner. it's the in betweens when i get all hungry and famished and stuff.

speaking of which, i'm getting that way now and i gotta wait another half an hour. i wish i could have a liquid lunch today to deal with all the... emotions... i'm feeling... but i came in late and i want to *set a good example*.

i've checked out.

i got the link to my virtual model from mis kendra's post... it's not her fault. i *heart* miss kendra and wear her clothes like second skin.

i also got my skull stuff from delias and magically, it all fits perfectly, cept the shoes rub a bit.

and i went to the pod-i-a-trist this morning and he told me i have to wear an ankle brace and sneakers and i have to get physio. physio? pshaw. i might as well just give the government my wallet. take it! it's yours!

the many moods of disney characters...

this weekend i drank myself stoopid along with br and his friends.

what is it about alcohol that when i imbibe, i become those loveable little dwarf characters from that overrated disney cartoon, snow white and the, well... the seven dwarfs.

first i'm probably bashful... cuz i'm shy around new people... *actually i just don't like meeting people because... i just don't like them! that's why the internet is so great... i get to know someone without actually having to physically send time with them... that's how life should be* and grumpy, because and don't like meeting new people...
then i take on happy and dopey because as the night wears on, that's what you become... happy and dopey... and dont add my best friends into the mix because then it's just over. just. over.

sooner or later grumpy rears his ugly head again and doc comes close behind as i try to solve everyone else's problems but my own. mm... drunken advice. that's it...

and obviously, sleepy shows up just before we get home because i can't handle too much booze anymore without passing out and sleeping the whole night through, which is actually quite nice when you normally wake up three and four times in a night.

and i know earlier i said seven dwarfs... but i lied i don't sneeze so sneezy never gets to make it to the party- he's the designated driver of the lot and i make him sit outside in the car reading time magazine and the back of candy wrappers.
but the others are loads of fun! invite them one time, trust. you will not be disappointed.

that last picture was taken by br. i don't know the people... but that guy with strippey shirt on the corner there? i'm pretty sure he was wearing sunglasses. apparently that's the new in thing. sunglasses. inside. at night.

corey hart anyone?

also? da vinci code.

awe.some.

so impressed! must see! -

things to say when stressed

senseless spam garbage. enjoy!

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfu*ck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch.... like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I LOOK like a people person?
7. This isn't an office.... It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing... and still have most of it left
9. Therapy is expensive..... Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet.
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying.... Some are dead!
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

for your eyes only

where suddenly it may seem like all is right with the world, one is wary of taking that assumption too seriously, because things have a way of changing without forewarning...
but let it be known that something good is happening.

i cannot really go into it here, although some of you know what i'm talking about already. why can't i go into? well... where i thought freedom of speech and whatnot was afforded me when i started this blog, it has been compromised. therefore, the majority have to suffer due to the actions of a few. as much as i would like to share this news with the internets...

i must protect my integrity at the same time.
this tone of post will not continue in the weeks to come... i shall be my happy go lucky, cat loving, whinning self but i needed to let you know that yes. something good is happening.

something really good.

and it has nothing to do with my working lunch on the Zenith this afternoon... you know... the cruise ship? ah... the joys of advertising...

i'm weird lately

... you know... uber reflective... tingly and yet... not.

maybe you can call it anticipation... or perhaps a physical disappointment, or my body preparing for a really big let down.
what i was trying to say yesterday, i feel like i'm in limbo... i'm stranded on the side of the highway of life waiting for the tow truck to come- the dispatcher said sometime between now and whenever. you know that feeling?

i don't like it. i feel it all over it's actually tangible. one time in a therapy session, my doctor (who i absolutely adored and opened up to and probably would have been one million times better than i am now because of, you know, no depression etc... but she was kicked off the island which was a grave injustice to all those young girls and people she was helping. fuck the government, and i have never opened up again because no one is her)... asked me to draw a diagram of a person, or more accurately, me, and to explain what the emotions felt like.
it looked pretty much like this :
it's pressure man... pressure trying to get out but finding no release. why don't i start boxing? or running? don't have time- had to get a part-time job so br and i could save more for when we move.
i just hope that there is something tangible to my dreams... that i'm not reaching and reaching but there really isn't anything there... you know? like when you're walking towards a place that was there forever but you get there and it's gone... it moved. now you have to keep searching.
is it pointless? it feels pointless... my life feels like a waste. what was i destined for? have i outlived my usefulness on this planet and now i'm just using up precious oxygen that someone else could be taking advantage of? someone else who'll actually make a difference in this world? i always want to make a difference, but excuses get in the way. you know those things... excuses. they're like bugs, always buzzing around and of no real use other than to annoy...
i wish i were home cuz i could do with a good cry right about now... a big fat, all out bawl. can't do that at work, they might commit me. or i'll commit myself.
does this tight feeling ever go away? how come i can't find my silver lining, my happy ending?

i hate this website.

how increadibly geeky do i have to be...

... to be so excited over something like this? if you can't read it... it says "canadian in the united states (or bermuda)"... why does that make me squeal? i dunno, there's just something special about when a larger place acknowledges us because we're so fucking small.

apparently, you could fit our entire population into an american baseball stadium.

interesting? i thought you'd like that little bit of useless information.

i am currently taking another stab at applying for my canadian passport again. since i am a nervous traveller, i believe my sweaty palms (keep it clean ladies and gents, keep it clean) rubbed the faux gold leaf off the front... you know... the insignia and stuff? yea.

i've been trying for like two years to get another one but i always get the information, fill it out not once, not twice but three times (because i'm anal and it has to be *perfect* or else i am.not.happy) and then i put it aside and lose it. so i went to the canadian counsulate just to find out they aren't there... where are they? i don't know! no where? makes sense! call new york.

but i got the forms online and yay! if i make one little mistake i can just reprint the page and bam! pristine... so... 30 minutes and five sheets later, my application is on it's way to being complete. now i just have to find one more person who isn't a relative or a garantor to sign it, a garantor that's known me for more than two years and has to meet the strict governmental deadlines saying that yes. i am trustworthy. a politician? ha! they'd throw my appy out before i could say bob's your uncle. so the dentist who has man handled my mouth for the last o, i don't know... five? years can sign it for me... yay!

canadia, here i come!

why cats are better than dogs

i laughed so hard i *cried*

http://www.darlugo.com/?id=469&ext=2

http://www.darlugo.com/?id=468&ext=2

this is it...

... the sweater from los angeles! isn't it cute? it fits quite nicely... isn't it lurvley!!!

eee!!!

my piggy!


okay so my free hand on the computer is pig shit but hey... you should see my sketch book! seriously!

i realise...

... that although i am shooting for the moon i am aimless.

my hopes and dreams float around me like a cloud, pregnant with ideas and ready to burst...
but yet... it shudders and closes in on itself...

my soul is suffering from a draught. there's nothing for it to look forward too... only expectations

i'm on the edge of my seat, bitting my nails, white-knuckling it down the highway of life but i'm only doing 30. i fear danger at every corner
i'm tense. i can feel it... tension creeping down the back of my neck into my shoulders...
the adrenaline racing just beneath the surface, at any second ready to explode and rocket down the street in a fit of passion and rage.

but i've lost my passion... lost my rage... my anger. when emotions are heightened so are the colours, it's the vibrancy i miss

i'm lackluster.
i feel average...
and that's the scariest part of all

*update*: i knew this day was too f*cking good to be true... it started with the power going out at 8 but then when my victoria's secret order showed up in record time (like three days man, for reals that's like awesome) and i was called *finally* about a part time job... i realised that the really nice brown stretchy gaucho's with green stripes that br's parents got me for christmas are totally f*cked. i must have leaned against my muffler when i got of roscoe this morning and the heat from the f-ing metal melted through the material... now there's this giant hole in *the front of the leg*... *SOB*