my virtual model is a lying whore

this is not me:

it is some sort of evil marketing ploy to lie to people. she does not look 150 pounds. i, the real version, you know... 2.0? i look 150 pounds.

she does not have copious amounts of jello laden in areas that make it hard to squish into jeans... i! have copious amounts of jello making it hard to squish into jeans. and no i *refuse* to go out and buy *bigger* jeans because i have *plenty* of quality jeans that i love and i don't want to have any *fat jeans* hanging around me.

no fat jeans!

my virtual model is a damn liar. there was no button thingy to expand the hippies and the butt. i have a large butt... quite ample. and some big thighs. people are amazed by my butt. yes... it is a spectacle to behold. i cannot use it as a table though. or maybe i could.

and then i have lurve handles. i hate them. i could not put them on the model because there is not option for it. stoopid lying virtual model.

sigh. whine whine whine bitch complain yes i know it's constant. it's like that in my head, a continuous diaglogue with myself of arguments and crying and drinking of the vodka. it's the one thing that can bring me down so fast. last night was good and then all of a sudden charlie's angels came on and i had to have a heavy handed vodka and cranberry *mm, tart-y... sleep was deep* but then drinking only makes matters worse...

i am jealous of those girls, that's probably why i rag on them (except for like cameron diaz... come on... that face? *yikes*) but only because they've got good bodies and good careers. do those two go hand in hand? do i have to have a gorgeous, smokin hot bod to be makin the big bucks? or can i still be squat little unattractive me and rake it in? i want to rake it in!

i suffer from bad ideals and poor self image. i have faith in my ability but when you're fat and you don't take care of your looks, people are less likely to want to be around you, pay you, aquit you of murder... and so on and so forth. plus, i've always hated feeling like the *fat ugly one*. you know there's always one... two relatively skinny and pretty girls will always be flanked by at least one overweight and asthetically challenged female as the two skinny ones want to look better in comparison and the bigger one needs help on the asthetics front.

now...i may just be pulling that out of my ass but it's an observation i make over and over again. also, skinny girls can be less worried that fat ugly girls will draw the much desired attention away from them... who's worried their bf's gonna cheat on them with a fattie? "fat chicks need love too, but they gotta pay."

it's not that i don't know what to do because i know, believe *me* i know. i just... make excuses to myself? that's it... i lie to myself about it because i'm too... lazy? scared? lazy? to actually get off my table ass and do something. sure i eat really well during the day, 5-6 times with a good breakfast, sensible lunch and then a healthy dinner. it's the in betweens when i get all hungry and famished and stuff.

speaking of which, i'm getting that way now and i gotta wait another half an hour. i wish i could have a liquid lunch today to deal with all the... emotions... i'm feeling... but i came in late and i want to *set a good example*.

i've checked out.

i got the link to my virtual model from mis kendra's post... it's not her fault. i *heart* miss kendra and wear her clothes like second skin.

i also got my skull stuff from delias and magically, it all fits perfectly, cept the shoes rub a bit.

and i went to the pod-i-a-trist this morning and he told me i have to wear an ankle brace and sneakers and i have to get physio. physio? pshaw. i might as well just give the government my wallet. take it! it's yours!