this is the end

and i don't know how to deal with it...

i mean... it's not like i haven't been through it before... it's not like i don't know what it feels like...

but it hurts just as much... maybe even a little more...

you get tired of trying... tired of caring... what's the use? what's the sense? is the pain, are the bad dreams worth it?

the fights, the lonely nights, the anger inside... this can't be what it's supposed to feel like, right? insecurity, fear, self loathing... where does it all come from? what happens to the happy go lucky? where did it go? it happy-ed itself out and it's laughing at us somewhere from behind a painted veil...

i don't even know if i ever knew what happy was... things went all too quickly and in a flash i guess they're done.

life's too short to hold on to things that aren't good... that don't make you smile at every turn... life's to short to stumble around in a haze or to walk on egg shells.

what the fuck do i do?

the land of oz

although it may not be immediately obvious,

things have been shit lately. not just the weather, which has been ridiculous and full of itself... but my relationship and other things too...

you know how things just go down hill... and fall apart slowly... that's how things feel lately. like they're falling apart. like all the pieces are coming unglued...

that's why i haven't posted anything interesting. that's why i haven't done anything interesting. o but i bought a new phone... well it's not new it's three years old and it's totally a piece of crap but whatever. it's just for communication purposes right? cost me $35.. plus $10 to have the line transfered right then and there... which was awesome because how could i have lived without a phone?
i also bought makeup and a shirt today. nothing is good unless it costs you money. i'm starting to learn this. it's a hard lesson.

i tried on a dress at h&m and it didn't fit my biceps. i was sad because i liked it and i wanted it. whatever.

also, i'm thinking of becoming a personal trainer. i mean, we'll see how it all works out and if i can transform myself enough to not seem like a walking hypocrite.... i'll keep you informed.

anyway. vodka and cranberry's are calling me and they won't wait forever.

peace out y'all. see you when the dust settles.

hello fate

how i hate you...

so close and yet so far.

gwen stefani will be playing in my neighbourhood this year. wouldn't that be great? i think it would be...

but you know what?

i'm going back home at the end of april. and she'll be here in may. i couldn't even afford to come back.

damn you fates... damn your well dressed hides!

so cute...

you just wanna eat them! omg they're so cute