i'm weird lately
... you know... uber reflective... tingly and yet... not.
maybe you can call it anticipation... or perhaps a physical disappointment, or my body preparing for a really big let down.
what i was trying to say yesterday, i feel like i'm in limbo... i'm stranded on the side of the highway of life waiting for the tow truck to come- the dispatcher said sometime between now and whenever. you know that feeling?
i don't like it. i feel it all over it's actually tangible. one time in a therapy session, my doctor (who i absolutely adored and opened up to and probably would have been one million times better than i am now because of, you know, no depression etc... but she was kicked off the island which was a grave injustice to all those young girls and people she was helping. fuck the government, and i have never opened up again because no one is her)... asked me to draw a diagram of a person, or more accurately, me, and to explain what the emotions felt like.
it looked pretty much like this
:it's pressure man... pressure trying to get out but finding no release. why don't i start boxing? or running? don't have time- had to get a part-time job so br and i could save more for when we move.
i just hope that there is something tangible to my dreams... that i'm not reaching and reaching but there really isn't anything there... you know? like when you're walking towards a place that was there forever but you get there and it's gone... it moved. now you have to keep searching.
is it pointless? it feels pointless... my life feels like a waste. what was i destined for? have i outlived my usefulness on this planet and now i'm just using up precious oxygen that someone else could be taking advantage of? someone else who'll actually make a difference in this world? i always want to make a difference, but excuses get in the way. you know those things... excuses. they're like bugs, always buzzing around and of no real use other than to annoy...
i wish i were home cuz i could do with a good cry right about now... a big fat, all out bawl. can't do that at work, they might commit me. or i'll commit myself.
does this tight feeling ever go away? how come i can't find my silver lining, my happy ending?
posted by citizen student @ 5:51 AM
8 Comments:
you're not weird.
you're normal.
that's what people tell me anyway.
i also would draw a similar diagram, but with even more arrows, and they would be inside and outside and all around.
and there would be too many colors.
too many.
check my blog. check my blog. check my blog.
This is the beginning of your quarter life crisis, only it's hitting you early. We're just starting out in the working world and trying to find our place, and we only find that we don't quite fit in. That was a 4 month depression for me and no self-help book helped because they were all written by successful people our age. I did find drawing over their author pictures helped a lot.
We're waiting for the rest of our lives to fall into place and begin, only it's taking longer than we thought. I blame "Friends" and "Sex and the City" personally.
both of you are so on.the.mark.
i would have been more creative with the image, but i suck at ms paint.
*internet hug*
*hug*
Maybe you could take up kickboxing AT work. That would awfully satisfying on many days!
kickboxing... at work... what a concept!
it would sure solidify my personality as a non-people person. heh
CONGRATS! Things are looking up already!
Congrats on getting into uni!! Yay you!!
*Chaotic Happy Dance(tm)*
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