insanely jealous

am i the only person that gets insanely jealous when their partner interacts with a member of the opposite sex??

anyone? anyone at all? no takers? damn...

i look like some sort of jealous monster type thing...

i can't help myself *sniffle*

i'd like to hide under my desk but there are too many hoarded newspapers hiding under there already. i lost a couple flip flops... i acutally walked out of my office wearing two different shoes and didn't notice until i got to the dr.'s office and had to get on the scale...

me: o... how embarrassing... *blush and laugh self-consciously*
happy nurse: what?
me: *pointing down to one gold and one black flip flop*
ha: o! you put on two different shoes and didn't even notice!!!

haha... so funny... *squeak*

i don't even know how i didn't feel the difference, they're completely different shoes... sigh. then i spent about half an hour trying to figure out if anyone may have noticed this *hilarious* mishap of mine...

anyway... that was an unecessary tangent... back to this jealousy issue. it's hampering my ability to enjoy my life. i keep thinking if i don't tone myself down to a christina aquilera, pam anderson *insert next starlet with awesome body here* -esque physique, my lovely br is going to completely ditch me for someone who has that... *bites crappily painted nails*

i am another statistic although i can't be lumped in with those american numbers cuz where i come from a "voluptuous" booty is all the rage...

anyway. my lovely br showed up and he's ready to go home *yay* we'll spend some must-needed time together before i go off to the pain-museum (gym) although i didn't want to but he mentioned to my gym partner that since i didn't go at the crack of dawn this morning i'd go this evening *gulp*

bzzzzzz... splat!

that's the sound of my youth being splattered over the windscreen that is life...

morbid? here's the body of the text:

my best friend just had a baby! yay! she had her son! miguel alfredo moniz came into this world at 3.29 pm on september 26th, 2005.

i didn't answer my phone to get the call but i got the message... it went something like this:

me: hm... i have a message... who could be calling me before seven?
phone: *reads 1 missed call*
so i press the button
top of the list - L*
me: *immediately freaking out to chagrin of br* o. my. god. she had the baby!!!! (side bar- l is said best friend's sister and was under strick instruction from me to call as soon as something happened... i had rushed out weeks earlier to pick out the perfect "you've-finally-had-the-baby-now-i-can-start-to-spoil-it" present... although in the months leading up to this climactic moment, i have been wishy-washy on the idea of her being a mother)
*listening to message and barely able to contain my excitement and hidden fear that excitement is unfounded and am going to have to wait another week for baby or something horrible has happened*
message says: hi, it's l just wanted to let you know sbf had a ...

at this point in the message i sorta stopped paying any attention what-so-ever... even to what it was etc.
immediately i jumped on the phone and called l back for more details so i could rush to the hospital with my completely thoughtful, well-meaning present

now i feel weird... said best friend has a little beast to follow her around and grow up to be sbf's son... sigh... part of me is jealous cuz i want a cuddly little beast of my own to cling to my skirts and hide behind me... but then i think... it's going to smell and be dirty and sbf's description of giving birth is "it's the most excruciating pain i've ever experienced... like tearing yourself a new one. i felt like my ass was exploding..."

a little graphic but enough to make a person re-think the process...

i'm proud of her for making the decision to bring miguel into the world... he'll be loved and well cared for... not like a lot of the other miscreants wandering this earths surface...

anway... my current view on life is skewed in an uncomfortable way that i have yet to disect and am inable to discuss. as soon as i get pictures i will plaster them all over the internet for the unsuspecting world to see!


*l (said best friends sister) cannot be named for legal reasons and in an attempt to avoid any sticky confrontations or matters in future

le spot

posted: part time jobs suck.

i helped out at le spot last night... br is short of staff and i need the extra cash to support my habits

unfortunately... creepy manager guy was there too... *sigh*

le spot is my personal hell. whenever i wish to remember that life could be worse, i go sit there for a bit...

a) it smells- like grease, slow fast food, smoke and old people
b) i hate familiarity and that's all le spot is about... cmg kisses babies as a habit and the customers talk to you on the street like they've known you since you *ttthhiiiiissss bbbiiiggggg*, running around half naked in stinky diapers that they apparently had a hand in changing (pervs)

something decidedly odd about people who eat at the same place three times a day, or make it an integral part of their routine by stopping in for a coffee, b, l & d.

can't you feel the second hand smoke turning your lungs black and the air bourne grease clogging your arteries

le spot is highly dysfunctional- just this week alone they've *let go* of three staff members 1) counter bitch 2) short order doesn't-use-gloves cook 3)watiress with an attitude

br does all three jobs but can't at once... he can't coordinate himself in the bathroom let alone handle three dif jobs. so there's a turtle making sandwiches, br and cmg are the waitress du jour and i was professed counter bitch

yes, i left le spot claiming vehemently that i would never return to anyone that would listen... i've gone back on my word disappointingly... the closest i like to get to le spot is the other side of the counter and br giving me free food cuz i don't feel like paying for it

of course, move out of the fat ladies way... if she doesn't get her 'sweetheart' from br and that mound of fries and a burger ('would you like slaw with that? anything to drink? no? how about a complimentary angioplasty...') she might eat you whole or squash you against the wall like a bug.... green, slimy, oozy bug...

at any rate... as the counter bitch i made approximately 11 dollars in cheap tips (thanks for your generosity people, my wallet and habits thank you) but for looking so cute in that little skirt and appron, br wracked up over 70 in tips. the bastard. he refuses to let me wait tables any more...

grrr glory hog.

i'll be rotting again at le spot on saturday instead of taking a much needed crochet lesson... i can't get past the boxed shell stitch... fucking 5dc in the next dc, ch 2, dc in next 4 dc, ch 3, skip next 2 dc bull shit.

cozying up to the end

so... it's so easy to get so comfortable with what you think your future is, but what about when your future doesn't work out the way you've planned... do you cozy up to that...?

anyway. it's like, it's a cold, rainy day/night somewhere in the world and you got your handmade, crocheted afghan that looks like a ten year old made it cuz they had too, pulled up close around your chin and a) a good book b) a good movie watching you as you doze off, a steaming mug of a) hot chocolate b) tea getting colder next to you...

and you're alone. what do you dream about? how sad it is that you're spending another night/day by yourself or what? i dream about scary things. i dream that everything i have and care about will be gone... then i wake up in a cold sweat and fumble around behind me, knowing that br isn't there but should be...

now i know what jodie felt like.

this is how i feel today

in my email the kittie is shooting... you can't see it here but you get the picture

something happened last night...

...and i'm not allowed to talk about it.

it infuriated me. it angered me in such a way that i felt like breaking things. like picking up my life belongings then and there and leaving. with br.

i can't stand when people use their anger in a physical way because they don't understand how to express themselves any other way. i hate explaining away their behaviour.

i felt so helpless in my restraint. why do i feel like i'm the only one in the world that doesn't fly off the handle when they can't cope with their emotions? i have repeated urges to jump up on my desk and fuck everyone off before walking out and never coming back.

an urge to lay on my horn everytime i get stuck behind someone who has a nice car and is doing 45km/hr up hill and i'm on a 50cc bike that takes forever to move in a straight line.

to tell people what i really think of them when they look at me with disdain in their eyes.

i'm depressed and angry. i don't know how to deal with either of those emotions so i'm just going to resign myself to suffer in silence. i try to promise myself that i won't anymore, that i'm going to be more vocal.

but i find myself hiding behind an exterior of tradition and what is most likely mistaken as fear. i'm not afraid. i'm not afraid of anyone. i'm afraid of mother nature and her distinct and inevitable wrath... but human beings, mortals, people... they don't scare me.

what can a man inflict besides physcial pain? the worst is emotional. i can imagine being completely terrified of a stalker, that's a game you have no control over. you can't put your piece down and say "i'm not playing anymore...", you have to watch your back everytime you turn around. you need eyes in the back of your head.

but i don't have to worry about that. i just have to try to make it through one more day where my boss ignores me, belittles me and makes me wonder why she ever hired me for the job in the first place. where i have to wonder if i still have a house to go back to at the end of the day. if i'm going to make it home or if some asshole is going to plow me down on my way there. if i'm going to make it in life because no matter what i do it seems like i'll never have enough, i'll never make enough and i'll always be in debt becuse i'm not financially appreciated for what i'm worth - never have been.

i want so desperately to stick up for myself but i don't... am i afraid of the reprecussions? so what if i lose this job. there are plenty more out there, right? so much more for me to look forward to.

i'll always know that i'm doing what i'm doing becuase it's right and not because i was told or taught to. there is one fundamental lesson and i've learned it. it's conflicting with everything else which is why i'm suffering but still...

best movie ever

napoleon. napoleon dynamite.

i can't help but hear "canned heat" by jamiroqui in my head every time i watch the movie or see pictures and i gotta fight the urge to jump up and do the snake and shimmy all over the office...

when i hear the song i think of that dance... that was triumphant dance.

how many people don't wanna dance like that?

this is a movie for the ages... listen to it people, listen to the song!