something happened last night...

...and i'm not allowed to talk about it.

it infuriated me. it angered me in such a way that i felt like breaking things. like picking up my life belongings then and there and leaving. with br.

i can't stand when people use their anger in a physical way because they don't understand how to express themselves any other way. i hate explaining away their behaviour.

i felt so helpless in my restraint. why do i feel like i'm the only one in the world that doesn't fly off the handle when they can't cope with their emotions? i have repeated urges to jump up on my desk and fuck everyone off before walking out and never coming back.

an urge to lay on my horn everytime i get stuck behind someone who has a nice car and is doing 45km/hr up hill and i'm on a 50cc bike that takes forever to move in a straight line.

to tell people what i really think of them when they look at me with disdain in their eyes.

i'm depressed and angry. i don't know how to deal with either of those emotions so i'm just going to resign myself to suffer in silence. i try to promise myself that i won't anymore, that i'm going to be more vocal.

but i find myself hiding behind an exterior of tradition and what is most likely mistaken as fear. i'm not afraid. i'm not afraid of anyone. i'm afraid of mother nature and her distinct and inevitable wrath... but human beings, mortals, people... they don't scare me.

what can a man inflict besides physcial pain? the worst is emotional. i can imagine being completely terrified of a stalker, that's a game you have no control over. you can't put your piece down and say "i'm not playing anymore...", you have to watch your back everytime you turn around. you need eyes in the back of your head.

but i don't have to worry about that. i just have to try to make it through one more day where my boss ignores me, belittles me and makes me wonder why she ever hired me for the job in the first place. where i have to wonder if i still have a house to go back to at the end of the day. if i'm going to make it home or if some asshole is going to plow me down on my way there. if i'm going to make it in life because no matter what i do it seems like i'll never have enough, i'll never make enough and i'll always be in debt becuse i'm not financially appreciated for what i'm worth - never have been.

i want so desperately to stick up for myself but i don't... am i afraid of the reprecussions? so what if i lose this job. there are plenty more out there, right? so much more for me to look forward to.

i'll always know that i'm doing what i'm doing becuase it's right and not because i was told or taught to. there is one fundamental lesson and i've learned it. it's conflicting with everything else which is why i'm suffering but still...