dear blogger

yesterday i spent a very profound moment with myself... it was probably due to the excessive alcohol consumption and the fact that i was overtired, but for a fleeing instant, i was at peace with life.

it's a strange feeling, if you've ever felt it - understanding and comfort is kind of like weightlessness for me
but of course, like i predicted, reality came back with a vengence this morning on my way to work. anxiety and stress are my constant companion - like jesus - except i don't want them there.

i'm going to miss the island. not the people, but the island - the clear night skies stretching out forever to the horizon. the smell of ocean and green lingering first thing in the morning before being burned away like mist in the clean sunlight.
even the stifling heat and opressive humidity, i'll miss that too... maybe not moisture's effect on my hair (frizz is never attractive, no matter what anyone says)...

the clear blues, vibrant greens - everything somehow feels more alive.
those aren't things i'm going to be getting a lot of in the concrete jungle i'm about to call my home. maybe that's why the colours i've chosen for inside are so bright... trying to recreate something i'm going to fundamentally lose for about 8 months or more.

but the beauty isn't enough to keep me here... maybe later i'll come back, when i'm older with children and can afford to be immune for ignorant government ideas... i think i want my children to grow up or spend part of their young lives, on this island, getting to know what they stand for. their identity lives in the trees and the sea, firmly rooted in tradition and exploration, like mine.

i'm scared to start this newchapter... afraid of what it will bring, that the next turn of the page will see some devestating, tragic event that i'll never recover from... i think i worry too much